Thank you for the kind remarks on yesterdays post. It has been a long six year journey to get to where we are today. All of the history I shared yesterday is to give you some background for what I want you to know now.
Infertility is just one big black pit of suck! Six years of negative pregnancy tests will make you bitter. It has made me a bitter jealous person at times. That is a scary thing to admit, but I want to be honest with you. I want you to understand where I am coming from when I say some of the things I do in regards to my pet peeves with adoption and infertility. Most commonly, the line about getting pregnant once you adopt. I know I have expressed my frustration with that one before. But don’t you think if it was so easy to get pregnant like that statement insinuates that it would have happened in the last 6 years? Watching a large majority of my friends from high school and college now experiencing pregnancy and motherhood for the first and even second time is incredibly difficult. Like I said yesterday, I am beyond thrilled for them. I love that I have some really really close friends that have children that Eric and I consider our nephews and nieces. That is a blessing and I love spending time with them.
Infertility will make you question your faith. Especially, when you hear stories about new moms who didn’t want their newborn baby so they did something incredibly terrible to it. Or when you hear about parents being arrested because of child neglect. How is it that God will grant us a child when we are ready yet such terrible acts can happen to newborns and children due to terrible parents? I really cannot stand to see news stories like this any longer. They are just too much for me to be able to handle. I feel the grief for the loss of a child that could have had a loving happy home with Eric and I.
Infertility will make you feel alone. Even in this digital age with blogs and Twitter and Facebook, you will feel alone. No matter how many other stories you read of others in your same situation, there will come a moment when you feel completely and utterly alone. That loneliness will drive you down the dark path of depression. It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is in those moments that I turn to some of my favorite adoption blogs to remind me that others have walked this road ahead of me and will help lead the way.
Infertility will make you incredibly insecure with your body. I think the not knowing why is what contributes the most to that, as does the depression. I worked my butt off, literately, to lose 30 lbs a few years ago. Slowly but surely I have put all that weight back on plus some. I have been struggling for the last year to find any motivation to workout. I know I should because I am unhappy with the weight I am at now, it is the most I have ever been at. Yet, here I am eating candy corn while I write this post.
And finally the biggest question that I think of often…
If I am so crafty and can create anything I want to, why can’t I create a child?